Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Dr. J/O

Reader M writes in and asks:
...I guess you could say I'm a somewhat normal guy. I'd say my stroke frequency is regular, to very regular. But sometimes I go through periods where I can't beat it enough, which I guess is not that weird, but after a good clip, like 9-12 times I start to feel real guilty. I'm not really doin' anything wrong, I'm just yanking my crank. But I still feel guilty and shameful, Is this normal?????

First things first, lets get one thing straight, M, get rid of the idea that there is any kind normal j/o. If you do it, it (probably)is normal. I would suggest one thing though. When you're stroking upwards of 10 times a day I would imagine you're depleting valuable hormones and nutrients.

I believe it would be diagnosed as post j/o depression, the opposite would be post j/o euphoria. It's primarily a chemical imbalance caused by a little too much poppin' of the pete. If you are having this problem, and insist on beating it that much, I would recommend taking some supplements. It seems that some of the products used for distance can also be used for treating PJ/OD. I believe Peter North has a good one on the market, also you could try TT's new one, Load Maximizer.

I hope that helped, and keep those letters coming.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

My palms are sure getting hairy

I've upped my jaggin' off to 16 times a day, one short of my self imposed goal. A month ahead of schedule too. I figure in 6 months I should be completely blind.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Free Fire Zone

It's 9:52 on the 4th here in North Portland, and I could walk outside with my AK and start bustin' caps and no one would even notice.

I was sucked once again into the gaping hole that is internet porn, and have barely had time to breathe, let alone blog.

I've wanted to get away from the whole political blog thing for a long time, cuz that's pretty much covered by guys a lot smarter than me, or at least a lot less of a life. It just gets kind of old. I still have strong beliefs, but reading and writing about the same shit everyday doesn't do much other than raise my blood pressure.

It seems the lefty blogs have become the equivalent of right-wing talk radio. A bit more intelligent and thoughtful, but only really serves the purpose of keeping the true believers frothing at the mouth. I mean, I know this administration is a bunch whipdickedfuckfaces, so can I go about my day now?

I've never really read any solutions, and the whole get behind the Democrats thing kind of makes me feel like a used up 3 dollar whore. Nobody really acknowledges that the 8 years of Clinton paved the way for these yahoos. It's not like there was a coup d'etat, it was a pretty seamless transition. Look around the world, other the civilians of Iraq and Afghanistan, life hasn't changed that much for the poor around the world, or even in this country for that matter.

Oh, well, I said I wanted to get away from politics. Which makes this the perfect opportunity to start the first masturbatory blog. Blogging all things autoerotic. The first tip will be on stroking with your left hand leaving your right free to point and click (or stick your finger up your ass, but that comes in chapter 8).

So pass it on, if you need help with your jerkin', or maybe your looking for more distance, if strokin' your beef is too inefficient, or you spend to much time playing with your Pete, I'm here to help. And ladies, don't be shy, you've always heard that no one can do it like a guy. Well, if you stick around here long enough you'll be able to pull yer ol' mans pud better than he can himself.

Ludis--- You Could Have the Best Nut of Your Life

Tuesday, June 28, 2005


We need a timetable, scratch that, no we dont.

I always knew we could trust that handy color coded alert system. Hey I think just spotted some secret al-Qaida messages in that last penis enlargement pop-up ad.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Caption contest...

nobody posts shit on here anymore...so here you go.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

"Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me - aren't you?"

And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson,
Jesus loves you more than you will know.
God bless you, please, Mrs. Robinson.
Heaven holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey

Hide in the hiding place where no one ever goes.
Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes.
It's a little secret just the Robinsons' affair.
Most of all you've got to hide it from the kids.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

I Fucked Ann Coulter...

This should satiate the sick fucks coming here looking for some hot Ann Coulter action. You'll thank me later.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


Watch George Galloway fuck Norm Coleman dry.

I can't emphasize this enough, go watch the clip

Here's an article
with more info.
One last thing

I'm always intrigued by how people find this site, and lately there has been some pretty interesting search requirements: pussy fuckin, fuckin pussy, big boobs, fuckstain, fuckin in pussy, about 10 Ann Coulter image searches a day, and my personal favorite, tabla de ge de ge blogspot.
Off to Nebraska

Oh, and never have your wife help you with a haircut.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005


The capitalists have always use the term "freedom" to mean freedom for the rich to get richer and for the workers to starve to death. And capitalist usage, freedom of the press means freedom of the rich to bribe the press, freedom to use their wealth to shape and fabricate so-called public opinion. In this respect, too, the defenders of "pure democracy" prove to be defenders of an utterly foul and venal system that gives the rich control over the mass media. They prove to be deceivers of the people, who, with the aid of plausible, fine-sounding, but thoroughly false phrases, divert them from the concrete historical task of liberating the press from capitalist enslavement.

V.I. Lenin

First Congress of the Communist International

Monday, May 09, 2005

A new toy...

Can I play???

I finally bought an iPod, and am pretty stoked to use it in the aforementioned Monte Carlo with my fancy tape adapter. Looks like a pretty cool device, I can once and for all bid farewell to my tapes... except for the ones I use with my hi-tech 4 track recorder.
OOohh, I bet this ipod will come in pretty handy with hiding porn from my wife too. The possibilities are endless.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

You think you're better than me????

I'm a little sad no one found my Europe through the Backdoor/gay joke very funny. I thought that was gonna be an instant classic.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Top 5

Goodfellas is on HBO right now, god damn this movie kicks fucking ass.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Fuckin' Pussy
Bush Taken to Bunker After Radar Blip
I thought the real American cowboy took chances and laughed in the face of danger

Friday, April 22, 2005

Antichrist/Death to Christ

wowwowowow! apparently this new pope is a bigger idiot than even i thought. i can see where he's coming from on the eagles thing, but the fucking beatles, give me a break. lucky for you catholics he's 78 and probably wont be around long enough to fuck too much shit up. stay tuned.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Holy Roman Crap!

Pope Benedict Arnold XVI was a Nazi youth and wanted a Pope even more conervative than JPII. Ayiyiyiyiyi.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Good shit

"In front of me stand the high mountains of craving and anger. Far, far beyond them is the infinite."

- Vinoba, quoting a Marathi abhang psalm, from Talks on the Gita

I joined a basketball (real, not fantasy) league, and we had our first game yesterday. I thought I was in pretty good shape, but nevertheless, I almost puked and am sore as fuck today.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Mother In-Law MD

I've been diagnosed by my mother in-law with ADD... Aren't in-laws great?

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Between Nothingness and Eternity

by Sri Chinmoy

Barren of events,
Rich in pretensions
My earthly life.

My real name.

Wholly unto myself
I exist.

I wrap no soul
In my embrace.

No mentor worthy
Of my calibre
Have I.

I am all alone
Between failure
And frustration.

I am the red thread
And Eternity.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Injustice of Injustices

I just found out I was fucked out of a first round playoff win in my fantasy basketball league because the fucking commissioner forget how to fucking add since he moved to fucking Costa Rica. The shit Bush pulls is sneaky and underhanded, but it doesn't really effect my day to day. This shit hits home. I am in contact with legal counsel to explore all avenues of recourse, and have not ruled out litigation.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Coming Soon to a Democracy Near You...

When those damn liberals get too popular, just throw 'em in jail.
Mexico Presidential Leftist Hopeful Faces Jail Time
Made in America

On my kid's preschool channel that we watch in the morning, there was a little short on how crayons are made at the factory. It was pretty cool, except all the footage was done in about '73. Why would a channel that produces such slick educational blurbs, be using footage from the '70s. My first thought was that crayon making hasn't changed all that much in the last thiry years. It might not have, I don't know. But then I realized, there probably are no crayon factories in the US anymore. To show a crayon factory now would involve the armed gaurds forcing kids the same age as the kids watching to make crayons.

Probably oughta stick with the one from the '70s.

It's not just doing something you need to do. It's doing something you need to do, but don't want to.

Monday, April 04, 2005

John Paul...Jones?

I don't have a TV so, much like waingroh, I miss out on all of the really important news. Today I got into work and read that apparently the bass player for Led Zeppelin died over the weekend. At least he didn't O.D. when he was 25. Too sad.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Saturday Conspiracy Therory

Everyone I know, including me, has been sick all winter, well past the sniffles and a little cough. This has kind of made me wonder, and being that I am completely paranoid and full of sensational ideas I have concluded the government is to blame. I think Jello Biafra can express it best:

"Government Flu"

We got a drug
We're gonna try it out on you
Won't make you die
It'll getcha just a little bit sick

Got a head cold
Got a chest cold
And it's three days old
(Goin' on forever)
Make you hazy
Make you lazy
Drive you crazy
For days and days and days and days and days
And years

Barely got the time now
To stay on the job
Double up the dosage in your water supply
Make you even sicker 'til you're slippin' away

Getting all depressed
It's getting all your friends
You can't get it up
For nothing that'll rock the boat

The government flu
The government flu
The government flu

Slip it abroad
Keep a-slowin' down the USSR
But meanwhile
We'll keep an eye
On what it's doin' to you

Got a head cold
Got a chest cold
And it's three days old
(Goin' on forever)
Make you hazy
Make you lazy
Drive you crazy
For days and days and days and days and days
And days and days and days and days and days
And days and days and days and days and days
And years

The government flu
The government flu
The government flu

Friday, April 01, 2005

Abolish This

this is fuct. straight from think progress, i have nothing to add.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Critics Agree

If you're not reading Billmon, you should.
No Gays Allowed...

well except for closeted ones who dabble in kiddie porn. Link
FORT WORTH, Texas (Reuters) - A former high-ranking Boy Scouts of America official who led a task force to prevent child sex abuse pleaded guilty on Wednesday to a federal charge of receiving and distributing child pornography.

Judge Stanley Birch laid the smackdown on dubya and congress today...

"Any further action by our court or the district court would be improper. While the members of her family and the members of Congress have acted in a way that is both fervent and sincere, the time has come for dispassionate discharge of duty. In resolving the Schiavo controversy, it is my judgment that, despite sincere and altruistic motivation, the legislative and executive branches of our government have acted in a manner demonstrably at odds with our Founding Fathers' blueprint for the governance of a free people — our Constitution."

read more here.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Like or Not

F-letter is here to stay. I know some of the long time fans aren't to happy about a upstart-smartass getting contributor status, but I can assure you as time goes on you'll be even more pissed off. I am also in negotiations with infrequent, but effective commenter Hot Taco to join the Ludis team. He is currently demanding too much controll, but I think something can be worked out.
I know there have been rumblings about chemistry problems between F-letter and Waingroh, but I never could pass chemistry and I love a good online feud.
I need a number of contributers to keep the content fresh, because my job is about as blogging friendly as it is to be a homo in the Republican Party. And most of my time on the internets is spent looking at gay porn, so I'm just glad I'm not a Republican.

I'm stuck without my CNN & FOX News... could somebody PLEASE tell me if Kobe Bryant is guilty?? I'm dying to know what the latest is with Terry SchiaVeriLlino, is she still a veggie or what? What ever happened with Scott Peterson and Robert Blake? I'm assuming gay marriage is still the single most important topic in everyone's daily lives. Living without cable TV news sure does leave you in the dark about all the important things in life. And I'm missing all the must-see-TV new Military Channel episodes. I missed the one about the Iraq War, who won?

Monday, March 28, 2005


Apparently F-letter was so annoyed with the shit I was writing, he hacked into blogger and made himself a contributor. I think we might be fricked.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Merry Easter!

In 2003, four men were accused of starting a war for crimes Iraq didn't commit. Now they look to impose freedom on the innocent and serve liberty with an iron fist. If you need to start a war, with no questions asked, you need....

I love it when a sequence of actionable items comes together!

(originaly posted by waingroh, 5/6/04)

Saturday, March 26, 2005

What if Terri Schiavo...

was black?

was gay?

was an Iraqi?

was elderly?

was an immigrant?

was poor?

was.... a liberal?
Behold, Terri has risen!

If there's one thing that could make Schiavo Cultists even crazier, it'll be if she dies tomorrow.
don't ask don't tell

a visitor to our site from the domain name usmc.mil found us by using some rather funny search requirements.

i don't know what's funnier, a guy in the marines looking to "develop a ten inch cock", or the fact that we're 27th in the search results.

Thursday, March 24, 2005


I was pretty stoked to see that John Stamos has his own TV show again. It's hard to keep down real talent.
The Military Channel

I've always kind of liked the History Channel, except you have to put up with a lot of pro-defense spending (thanks webber) shows. Shows that tell you how great the A-10 Warthog is, or the divine benevolence of the B-2 bomber. Well it looks like they have finally decided to cut out the middle man. Last night during Myth Busters I saw a commercial for the brand new Military Channel. I instantly had visions of the "Luftwaffe Channel" or maybe even the "Stasi Channel".
A nipple is bad, but a channel solely devoted to glorifying war is good, if not patriotic.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

my mayor

is better than yours. tom potter kicks fucking ass.
A proposal by the mayor could make Portland the first city to pull out of the anti-terror group
i've come to the conclusion

that you get about as much out of following politics as you do following the WWE. At least wrestling has hot chicks and the guys shave their chests.

this caps thing is kind of hard to Do
have you

ever noticed that all the cool kids on the internets never use caps. i wanna fit in, so i'm gonna try for a little bit.

i'm about to win my first thing on ebay, anything i need to know?
just thinking

sometimes i wish i could have a mistresss. not so much for the sex, but more so i could start pointless fights with the mistress and not my wife.
just thinking

Sometimes I beat off even when I dont feel like it, mainly cuz I'm bored. Is that normal?

I'm back, I broke my glasses so it's been pretty hard to blog, let alone look at internets porn. Luckily, Sheb, I mean Greenest, picked up the slack.
Too Funny
As someone who works in econometrics and statistics, all I could do was laugh at this graph. Needless to say, if I were to scale something like this in a report, I would lose all credibility....

Machine that can keep woman alive despite her wishes = GOOD

Stem cell research that may help cure diseases for people who are still alive and could have an increased quality of life = BAD

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Islamization of the Republican Party
Juan Cole
It's kinda lonely here
Am I the only one left?

Monday, March 14, 2005

Read it.
Mario's Gone???

Okay, so I admit it. I watch American Idol. But it's not my fault. Someone who will remain nameless (but his name rhymes with "Schmoodis") got me hooked last year and while he's all clean and sober now, he's left me with the addiction. So I have to say, the leaving of my second favorite contestant is kinda sad, but maybe that means my main man Bo will take it all.

Friday, March 11, 2005

90 Days

Of undetected drinking.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

There's a lot of bugs
here in the Costa Rica. n' I'm talking big ol' critters, which deserve the proper respect: insectoid companions. 'Cause they really are companions; there ain' no' gettin' away from 'em. I killed me a 2-inch cock-a-roach today, an that ain' nothin' compared to the 4-inch spiders that come out huntin' at night. Ya just don' have that kind a respect for our insectoid - neighbors - in the 'states. But waking up in the morning to a bunch a' ants carryin' away a scorpion will open yer eyes right quick.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I can't really think of any thing to write about, so I'll let the guys from the Star Wars Board do it for me. The following are in know way fabricated, or altered in any way.
The thought of Mace Windu quoting the prophecy as he's about to cut Jango's head off comes to mind...

Yeah, in ANH there was no real inkling that a romance would develop, ESB definately laid the groundwork, and ROTJ confirmed it for them and us. I really don't think GL's forte is love stories. He did however choose the correct roles for Luke and Leia' parents. It's fitting that their father was a jedi and their mother a queen/senator, I mean it would be silly to have their father, say, be a land speeder mechanic and their mother working in a blaster factory.

For you know my name is the Force when I drop my vengence on thee
The first rule of Monkey Knife Fight? DON'T TALK ABOUT MONKEY KNIFE FIGHT

I guess it's an inherent fault to their status. They're high class members of an eloquent society, watched by the rest of the galaxy; Anakin is a Jedi padawan, Amidala a regal queen-turned-senator. Creating a love story between the two while maintaining their dignity (particularly Padme's) is difficult, if not awkward. While Leia is a princess/senator, she isn't what you would call regal. Watching her being wooed by a dirty space smuggler is inherently charming... to the last.

Well when it comes to words, Anakin probably didn't get a good education on Tatooine; he probably only learned to speak Basic from his mother (makes you wonder why he didn't pick up her Swedish accent, heh heh). At the Jedi Temple, new recruits, who are usually toddlers or very young children, must be given an adequate education. While Anakin was relatively fluent in the language, he probably didn't know any history or science or maybe even how to write, so I assume Anakin learned more here. Throw in the fact that for a good 10 years he remained obsessed about that pretty girl from Naboo, he probably spent many a lonely night thinking of what he'd say if he ever met her again. When they finally met again, their first encounter was awkward and stumbly, but once they kissed, Anakin simply found the words that were right. Besides, he had plenty of time to think about it over dinner.

I mean, I always imagined there would be more living flesh in Vader, but just the head and spine? He could use at least SOME organic internal organs...

Who the fuck is Mace Windu?
Counter Recruiters

Further evidence that this is still a great country. Link

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Is it really gone?
I keep thinking, winter will be back... but... will it? I hope so.

I got up at 5:30 today for the sole purpose of letting my son watch Sesame Street.

Monday, March 07, 2005


A lot can be learned by living under President George W. Bush. Simple things, like checking with my wife and family before I make serious decisions. Having plans for all phases of a job...before I start it. Not spending money I don't have. Personal responsibility. Admitting when I'm wrong, and owning up to mistakes. Discuss problems as they happen and be willing to change, ad infinitum. Pretty much what ever he does, do the opposite and you've developed very simple, but effective rules to live by.
Deep Thoughts

by Jack Ludis Handy

I've come to the conclusion that hating the Bush Administration is not going to do me any good. It only pisses me off and forces me to take it out on people that have nothing to do with them. It doesn't mean I am going to not oppose their policies, but the mindless hatred has not gotten me too far. My overall happiness in life should not be directly proportional to the political climate of the country, because I'm looking at a pretty miserable existence if it is.
Just wondering

Is it April or May?

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez on Saturday sang and danced along with thousands of people in Kolkata where the Communist leader was accorded a rousing welcome. Chavez swayed to the tunes of Spanish songs dished out by a musical group at a football stadium, where about 50,000 people packed in to hear an emotional anti-imperialist speech by the Venezuelan leader. "The US can not expect to grab and enjoy all the good things in the world. We will not let that happen," Chavez, who spoke in Spanish, said to a huge roar of approval from the crowd. While Chavez spoke animatedly against "US imperialism", top Communist leaders of West Bengal, including Chief Minister Buddhadeb Bhattachaya, nodded and clapped, agreeing with what he said. "We will provide more oil to countries like India and China. We have come forward to help India with oil so that it can become a front ranking country in the world," he said. Thousands of people, including school students and women, waited for hours for Chavez to arrive. He was late by about two-and-a-half hours as people whiled away their time listening to Spanish songs played on a public address system. Schoolchildren waved flags of India and Venezuela.

Not that you'd know it by watching the news or anything, but Hugo Chavez has been in India. He is beginning to look like the leader of the developing world's opposition to the US. I think there are several reasons he can do this. First and foremost, he is extremely charismatic, and has so far stood the test of time.

Second, he is president of the world's fifth largest producer of oil. Oil is always sure to piss off the US. Instead of handing contracts to US multinationals, he can give them to Brazilian, or Indian companies. Chavez can provide oil contracts beneficial to the third world in order to level the playing field with the US and Europe.

Third, Venezuela is in the Western Hemisphere. The US can only try covert operations, never direct action, Latin America would never stand for it. And Venezuela's opposition is so fragmented and corrupt, covert ops are not likely to get far.

Fourth, the international policies of the US over the past 50 years (not just the past 4) have led to a number of new style leftist governments in important countries all over the developing world; Brazil, India, Bolivia, to name a few. This provides Chavez with a natural alliance. When lumped in with the OPEC countries, what's left of the old school communist countries (China, Cuba, North Korea), and a few "rogue nations", like Iran and you have an alliance of countries vastly different in makeup and belief, but all desperately poor and have felt first hand the results of US imperialism. This alliance could be nothing to shake a stick at, and also makes Chavez appear more Statesman like, and less of saber wielding strongman.

An alliance like this is unlikely, the US has succeeded for so long by exploiting the differences of the developing world. But left unchecked by the Soviets, and the inept brazenness of Bush, it's not at all impossible.

Here's some more links about the trip to India and Chavez in general, if at all interested. Here, here,here and here
Not so fast...

It was an absolutely beautiful day today and I took my Monte Carlo out for a Sunday drive in North Portland. I was feeling like the king 'till I pulled up to the corner of N Fessenden and Portsmouth. A Caprice pulled up at the exact same, this thing had wire rims, chrome everywhere, and I swear the driver was sitting in the back seat. I pretty much pissed down my leg and he drove by laughing. At least he didn't bump it on to three wheels just to rub it in.
Who'd of thought

I never would have. Life can still be fun without drugs and alcohol. I can still be just as socially irresponsible, I just don't wind up puking and sleeping on the bathroom floor.

Not puking is cool.

Friday, March 04, 2005


I noticed there is a new contributor. I'm not sure who it is, but it looks like he/she lives on Greene St. Let's see what they have to say.
Is Waingroh Black?

There is evidence that suggests so, but as of now is unconfirmed.
The New Journalism

Apparently, it is the job of the late night hosts to discuss the real issues - the whores during the day get to have the real fun.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Hammer was right

You've got to pray, just to make it today.
By the way

Traffic has nearly tripled since coming back online, as of 5:00 west coast time we're up to 11 visitors... I can feel that Atrios link coming any day now...
Back Online

Well, ludis is officially back online, at least for this week. We've had a few casualties, John Winger died of an apparent drug overdose. Waingroh couldn't handle the "stress" of living in the "States", and left the country to work with those much less fortunate...Mainly prostitutes. ActionJack became a law enforcement official, and Sheebur still thinks Kerry won.
I'm not sure what shape the blog will take, I actually don't really care. But you can count on us to provide the best in crude and unnecessary commentary, masturbation tips, info on closeted male hookers, and unrelated stories from the realms of fantasy.
Relatively Painless

I've been dealing with several different departments with the State of Oregon today, and it's not nearly as big a pain in the ass as I thought it would be. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt at all, but it's not too bad. Everyone is pretty friendly for being a Govt. employee. Big ups to you SecrAtary of State's office.
It's good to be back.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Just Wondering

At what point does internet-porn go from being a healthy release to an obsession and self-destructive?

(not that I'm worried...well, not too much..I can handle my porn)

On a unrelated note, does everyone think The Rockford Files Theme rocks as fucking hard as I do? Magnum PI is not too bad either...
Not as Bad as I Thought

I must say that living in Bush's America is not nearly as bad I thought it would be. It's actually quite amusing. The secret police have not showed up at my door, and I can still pretty much do what ever I want.
Besides, Kerry would have never hired a gay male prostitute...God works in mysterious ways.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Don't Miss
The New Journalism

Showing Everywhere, NOW!

"Gannon, you ain't got shit on me."
Live and Learn

I now know why I haven't gotten as far in life as I'd hoped. I was leaving a few vital statistics off my resume.
Education: Leadership Institute Broadcast School of Journalism - 2 day course (meals included!)
Description: military, masculine, TOP
Weapon: 8", CUT
Seeking: $200/hr, $1200/weekend
Will Work: Outcall Only
With a hard right turn, I'm ready for the big time!