Monday, May 10, 2004

predictions for the future
Waingroh's Crystal Ball

June - Donald Rumsfeld finally succumbs to his own circular reasoning and steps down, after his attempt to defend the use of Iraqi torture in front of the Senate by shoving a broomstick up his own ass proves devastatingly wrong....John Kerry names former Senator Bob Kerrey as Vice President, running on a Kerry/Kerrey 2004 ticket. Unfortunately, media attacks on Bob Kerrey's own Vietnam record force him to withdraw, as one of his purple hearts was discovered to be "more of a lavender" in color....the June 30 handoff to the new Iraqi government goes off as planned, with Iraqis throwing flowers and praises upon US troops for freeing them...

July - The White House retracts the June 30th press release, stating a grammatical error: "flowers" and "praises" was actually "grenades" and "screams of death"...

August - Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly claim that Liberal agents have infiltrated the Iraqi underground, and both travel to Iraq to embed themselves with the troops to prove the Saddam/Al-Qaeda/Liberal Triangle of Terror....The new Iraqi Flag is announced, consisting of a giant Nike symbol, wrapped around the Texaco star with a Starbucks emblem in the center, with the new name "Iraqiburton"....Attorney General John Asscroft is discovered in a hotel room with two naked 12-year old Honduran boys; he steps down despite his claim that he was trying to "solicit" information for a personal investigation into John Negroponte's Honduras death squads....John Kerry announces Jim Carrey as VP, but quickly dismisses Jim after finding out that he doesn't actually have that "cool green Mask"....

September - Photos are released of Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly from Abu Ghraib prison, naked, bruised, and masturbating in each other's mouths. Strangely, there is no public protest this time around....John Kerry announces Sissy Spacek as his Vice President candidate, but was disappointed to find out that those were just special effects during the prom scene of Carrie....Donald Rumsfeld becomes the oldest Burger King employee to be called a "cocksucker" at the drive thru window.......

October - The Liberal Media reports that Bush and Condoleeza Rice were found sleeping together in the White House. Bush later hold a press conference, while sitting on Cheney's lap, and says that he has always been for cross culture bigamy, and this is just another attack by the "desperate" Kerry campaign. "Besides, we're skirtin' away from the real important issue - we're gonna drill down to the Center of the Earth! Man has always wanted to see the Earth's core! Freedom!"

November - Amid controversies, neither Mars nor Earth Core drilling can save the Bush campaign, and John Kerry wins the election with his Vice President, a bottle of Heinz Ketchup.....Cheney flies to Iraqiburton to get a blood-oil transfusion.... Karl Rove is discovered in the White House basement, and when forced to leave, Rove bursts into flames at first contact with sunlight....DJ Asscroft releases his first album from his private jet....

January 2005 - Iraqiburton's first public election is held, and it's a smashing success! Nearly 99% of the population turned out to vote for America "getting the fuck OUT of our country."

One can hope, anyway.