Thursday, May 27, 2004

Fuck You Asscroft II: The Electric Boogaloo

Like so many Christian fundamentalists, John Asscroft has an obsession. An inexplicable fixation on my home, the great state of Oregon. Let's look at the facts.

1. Asscroft attempts to block Oregon's assisted suicide law, despite the fact that voters in a statewide election have approved it... twice. I guess state's rights only count when Asscroft thinks that the state is right. Both the U.S. District Court and the Court of Appeals overrule Asscroft.

2. Using previously unavailable techniques now made legal by the Patriot Act, Asscroft uncovers a "terrorist cell" in Portland dubbed by the media as the Portland Seven. After Prosecutors are unable to prove that any of the seven committed any terrorist acts, Asscroft fears that the Patriot Act may be endangered by a legal challenge. Instead of dismissing the case, Asscroft charges the "terrorists" under a Civil War-era statute outlawing "seditious conspiracies." Facing life in prison and the inability to receive a fair trial, several of the "terrorists" cop a plea deal and will serve relatively light sentences. Strangely, the plea agreement states that they will not be required to cooperate with government interrogators. Asscroft refers to the convictions as a "defining day in the war on terror."

3. Asscroft has Brandon Mayfield, an Oregon attorney, held as a 'material witness' based on a faulty interpretation of a digital fingerprint. All along, Spanish officials voice doubt as to the fingerprint analysis. The ability to hold 'material witnesses' is a new tool provided by Asscroft's favorite piece of legislation, the Patriot Act. After the FBI concedes error, Mayfield is released after two weeks, his reputation destroyed.

4. Today, Asscroft states that a recently arrested terrorist attempted to set up a terrorist camp in rural Oregon. Prediction: Further investigation indicates the terrorist training camp was actually a marijuana growing operation run by migrant workers. Asscroft declares success by deporting the workers and promptly filing suit to block Oregon's medical marijuana law.

Oregon has a wonderful tradition of dissent and history of producing freethinking individuals. For example, former Oregon Senator Wayne Morse cast one of only two votes against the Gulf of Tonkin resolution, which ultimately authorized U.S. participation in the Vietnam conflict. However, according to Asscroft and his cronies, Oregon's tradition of dissent is only slightly less unpatriotic than wiping one's dirty ass with an American flag. Therefore, a few words of wisdom are in order for John-boy. To paraphrase the famous quote from Oregon's legendary Republican governor, Tom McCall, "Herr Asscroft, visit Oregon as often as you'd like, but for godsakes, pull your self-righteous thumb out of your stankity ass and quit fucking with us you fuck."