I don't know how many of you have started sifting through our Voters' Pamphlet, but if you have, you were probably as shocked as I was when reading the first 3 arguments in favor Measure 36 (ammendment banning gay marriage). Here are some of my favorites. Remember-these are arguments in FAVOR of 36!
Highlights from the first: Culture War
In the Holy Bible, Saint Paul says that Christians should remain single and abstain from sex. The New Testament says that people should get married only if they are too weak-willed to abstain from sex:
Marriage is not sacred. Marriage is for wimps and sissies!
Oregon public policy should define marriage in accordance with divinely inspired Scripture. Therefore, marriage licenses should be granted only to those persons who have been certified by professional psychiatric examination to be too weak-willed to abstain from sex.Oh, by the way, although Jesus never said a single word condemn homosexuality, if heterosexuals can't get married, homosexuals should not be allowed to marry either -- well, unless they'e too week willed to abstain. Sissies!
(This information furnished by M. Dennis Moore, Traditional Prejudices Coalition.)
Highlights from the second: Marriage is Sacred
Marriage is for procreation. If you're not pro-Creation, you're anti-God. And once a marriage has been solemnized, sex is serious business. The solemnity of sex must not be abused for sinful pleasures. Sex is for procreation, not recreation. And marriage is for breeding purposes.
Therefore, it should be Oregon public policy that
• Homosexuals may not marry.
• Infertile persons may not marry.
• Men with vasectomies may not marry.
• Women with hysterectomies may not marry.
• Post-menopausal women may not marry.
• Persons planning to use birth control may not marry.
• Non-virgins may not marry (Deuteronomy 22:13-21).
• Inter-racial couples may not marry (Deuteronomy 7:3).
And couples who fail to conceive within two years ought to have their marriage licenses revoked.
Additionally, the Bible says that
• Divorced persons may not marry (Luke 16:18).
• And if a man dies without leaving a male heir, it is his brother's responsibility to impregnate the widow (Genesis 38:6-10). If he refuses, he shall be fined one shoe (Deuteronomy 25:5-10).
Love is not good enough a reason to marry, because marriage is only for
(This information furnished by M. Dennis Moore, Defense of Heterosexual Breeding Coalition.)
Highlights from the third: THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY IS UNDER ATTACK!
First there was Original Sin when Eve disobeyed God! Then the Flood! Then Abraham abandoned the traditional practice of human sacrifice! Then Jews instituted the modern covenant of circumcision! Then Moses brought down from Mount Sinai a bunch of new-fangled Laws on stone tablets! And later Jesus abolished them and preached instead the radical new Golden Rule!
Polygamy fell out of favor! Women were no longer mere pieces of property belonging to men! Next these uppity women demanded the right to vote! Families could no longer own slaves! Prohibition saved the family from destruction by Demon Rum! The nineteenth-century extended families on American farms were destroyed by the 1950s social engineering of the "Leave It to Beaver" suburban cookie-cutter nuclear families! Blacks refused to ride in the back of the bus! Women demanded equal pay for equal work! Single parents demanded respect! Gays and lesbians demanded an end to hatred and oppression! Flower children protested traditional mass-murder warfare and genocide! Divorce skyrocketed! The silence surrounding child abuse was broken!
My friends, there is a simple answer. All you have to do is
VOTE TO TURN THE CLOCK BACK!
It's really that simple!
Now, which one of these radical social changes will this measure turn the clock back to? Oh, come on, let's just
LEAVE IT TO BEAVER!
(This information furnished by M. Dennis Moore, The Beaver State Defense of Beaver Coalition.)
(All of these can be found here)
So, yes, of course these are obviously a farce to point out the idiocy of the ban, but what strikes me is that they are the first three in the pamphlet. When people flip through their pamphlets, these are the first 3 they read in FAVOR of gay marriage. What a great move! We did some research and according to the secretary of states office they simply print them in the order they receive them. This M. Dennis Moore guy has his shit together! I have to say, I am THOROUGHLY impressed by this dude. We tried to find out more about him and we found a couple of articles saying how pissed off the pro -36 people are over this, but all they say about Mr. Moore is that he is a "Portland freelance book editor and church organist. He said he's simply using satire, "a very ancient literary device to ridicule hypocrisy."
What's even better is that he did this is 2000 as well for measure 9. One of those starts out "Lon is too liberal."
I don't know who this guy is, but man, he knows how to use the system to his advantage. Nice work!!!!!! And seriously, the Beaver State Defense of Beaver Coalition????? Classic.